Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

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I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

PRINTING TIP:  Set left margin to minimum. Then cut money with 1/4" white border all around.

If you lend someone $50 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

WHAT CAUSED THE BIG BANG? God divided by zero. Oops!

The reason Santa is so jolly: He knows where all the bad girls live.

The reason God made man first is because He had to make a rough draft before He made the masterpiece.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry twenty dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

How much would you pay for all the secrets of the universe? Wait, don't answer yet. You also get this six-quart covered combination spaghetti pot and clam steamer. Now how much would you pay?

WAFFLE IRON: Why on earth would you want to iron a waffle? Wouldn't that just flatten out all the little squares? No, I believe waffles should be dry cleaned. Pancakes, of course, should always be ironed. -- George Carlin

An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle. Impressed, he asks, "Where did you get this beautiful bicycle?" "Well," the second engineering student says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this gorgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'." The other engineering student nods and says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, 'What is this, a joke?'

WANTED: Schroedinger's Cat. DEAD OR ALIVE.

A man died and went to hell. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw his former attorney snuggling with a beautiful woman. 'That's not fair!' he cried, 'I have to roast for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman!' The devil barked, 'Shut up! Who are you to question that woman's punishment?'

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

After a big meal, one cannibal turns to another, rubs his stomach and says, "I just ate my mother-in-law and you know what? She still doesn't agree with me."

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, 'What is wrong?' Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed. Adam asked God, 'What would a woman like this cost?' God said, 'An arm and a leg.' Adam said 'What can I get for just a rib?' The rest is history.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Sister Mary was teaching all the girls in class S3 at the Catholic school and she was asking what they wanted to be when they grow up, little Anne said 'I want to be a prostitute when I grow up.' 'WHAT DID YOU SAY!!' Said sister Mary. 'I said I want to be a prostitute when I grow up' 'Oh thank God for that, I thought you said a Protestant!'

Q: Why don't Presbyterians make love standing up? A: They're afraid it will lead to dancing.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Mike was insuring his car against fire and the insurance agent asked if he'd like to insure it against theft as well. "That's stupid -- who'd ever steal a burning car?"

Pat's village got a new fire engine, and they wondered what to do with the old one. "Well," said Pat, "we could keep the old one for false alarms."

Pat went to the doctor and was given a prescription for suppositories. "I ate about a dozen of them, and for all the good they did me I might as well have stuck them up my rear end!"

Pat and Mike were out boating. Pat accidentally punched a hole in the bottom of the boat, and the water started pouring in. Mike with quick thinking immediately punched a second hole to let it out.

Pat and Mike were building a house. Pat kept throwing away half of the nails. "Why are you doing that?" "Half the nails have the heads on the wrong end." "You fool -- those are for the other side of the house."

Pat and Mike were climbing a big mountain. Halfway up they were too tired and thirsty to go on. "Let's go down to the pub at the bottom, and climb the other half tomorrow."